Why do we share anything?

Oversharing, undersharing, why do we bother at all?

Last week, I posted on Instagram about a condition I live with called PMDD. I’ve written about it here (paywall), but I’d never gone in to detail about it on social media before. But for some reason, when I woke up on Thursday morning having slept poorly and feeling absolutely awful, something inside me wanted to tell other people about my experience.

As a journalist, it’s my job to share information publicly. I’ve never been shy about writing honestly and from the heart, sometimes to my own detriment and eventual embarrassment. But over the years, sharing not just information or work, but our lives, has become the norm online. It’s easy to feel like little is private and nothing is sacred in a world where we watch other humans give birth on Instagram, go through people’s break ups with them, even witness the road to the end of life in some cases. We watch other people’s kids grow up, watch them get married and sometimes divorced. People use social media to tell their own stories, to relate to others and in many cases to help them. A New York Times survey in 2022 said that 94% of us share stuff online, and 78% of those do it to reach like minded people.

Many refuse to partake, though. Even friends of mine that are public figures with a social media presence choose to share very little with their followers, even those they actually count as real-life friends. One such mate made a conscious decision to stop sharing pics of her kids, but she also keeps things like family holidays and the inside of her house under wraps. When she told me she’d been to Italy, I was like huh? I didn’t know! And she said yeah, I don’t want just anyone to know my business. In this day and age, that’s something of a revolutionary statement. To entirely opt out of sharing those moments with an Aperol Spritz, sunset and humble brag caption? My little mind was kinda blown. People have secrets these days?! Who knew?

See, sometimes I feel a bit weird about it all. Especially when Insta shows me story highlights from a few years ago - I get the same ick from it as you would from any old photo being brought in to the present. Why did you post 47 stories from Disney World, Vicki? Do you think you’re the only person in history to wear Minnie Mouse ears and eat a Mickey shaped pizza? How unoriginal! How embarrassing! You weren’t even being paid for it!

In the case of sharing about my PMDD, it’s a mix of both wanting to relate to and hear from others on the subject, and also just being a bit real on the Internet. So often we hear about how Instagram is a highlight reel, so I like to share the good with the bad. The same can’t be said for everyone, and that’s a personal prerogative. But for me, sharing is just something that comes pretty naturally. I’ve always been an open book and worn my heart on my sleeve. There is nothing chill about this gal, let me tell you.

But it all got me thinking, why do we share at all? Because every time we open up and reveal a part of ourselves, we are inviting criticism. We are almost summoning trolls to comment negatively, whether it’s because of a controversial opinion, the fact that we’ve let a house plant wither in a pic, or are simply seen to be courting attention. Of course, many people actively make a living out of sharing their lives. But I’ve noticed a massive trend in pulling back on revealing too much, especially from our biggest influencers. And it’s not difficult to guess why - because often on the internet, hell is other people.

For a while, I thought that closing myself off a little bit, making my internet space a little more secure, would make me feel safer. The internet is not my job, I don’t make money from social media. I figured that sharing less of myself, both personally and professionally, would protect myself and my feelings. I have never courted controversy or wanted to bring negative attention to my door, but in 2023, it’s nearly impossible not to piss people off by simply existing, by breathing air.

But I soon came to realise that in closing myself off, I wasn’t any safer. Being private doesn’t stop neggy Nancies, they still lurk among your nice, normal followers. By going against my natural instinct to share, I was simply hiding. And in thinking about it too much, being covert ended up making me worry more. So I figured, if I’m going to be known for anything in this life, I may as well be true to myself while I’m at it.

I write this newsletter every week because I have not only a normal human compulsion to share my life and my thoughts, but a vocational one. Being a writer, relating to other human beings, is simply who I am. Whether through essays, journalism, fiction or tweets and insta captions, making sense of the world through words is how I exist in it happily. And I don’t just share, I consume voraciously. I am interested in people, in their stories and their lives and their histories.

I also like to share my relationships because they are what makes me happiest in this world. My husband, my family, my friends, my dog - when I share them with the world, it’s in celebration of them and the brilliant times we have together. Like a little ode to each one, only instead of writing epic poetry or a song, I write them a little tribute on the grid. In saying that, I totally get why parents don’t share their kids, that’s a whole other kettle of fish that I won’t ever have to deal with, thankfully. Better safe than sorry in regards to anyone else’s privacy and identity, I say.

While privacy is undeniably valuable and there is most certainly a line (especially when it comes to involving other people), I will continue to share as I see fit. Not only did I receive kind words, sympathy and empathy regarding PMDD, I also received messages with rock solid tips, advice and leads towards helping ease the symptoms of a disorder many just endure. To me, that’s proof that everything is better out in the open, that staying quiet out of fear or embarrassment is unhelpful all round.

And I’m going to stop feeling in any way weird about sharing, too. With me, you’ll get the good and the bad. Because that’s life, baby! We only get one, and I’m going to live mine in a way that pleases me. I’m going to stop feeling weird about putting myself out there, and use the opportunities that sharing brings to my advantage! Join me, won’t you?