What puts The Ick in Vicki?

Sorry, that's a good headline if I do say so

I’m in a bit of a rotty humour today because my F**KER of a wisdom tooth has flared up again at a most inconvenient time, just before we jet off to New York. The past few (very busy, actually) days have been a flurry of burny clove oil, burny mouthwash and violent salt water rinsing. It appears to be now on the mend, but I’m faced once again with the certainty that I must arrange to get the little fecker pulled out. It’s impacted and it’s going to be DEEPLY unpleasant, but a necessity now I fear.

Anyway, being in pain makes me more bitchy than melancholy, so I’ve been thinking a lot about things that give me the ick. Sidenote - for a while there, I was mulling over the idea of a podcast entitled The Ick With Vicki Notaro because it’s literally in my name, and I thought it would be a bit of craic. I could never fully get it up to get it off the ground, and now I have a lovely new gig reviewing podcasts for the Sunday Times Culture mag so it’d be a slight conflict of interest. I’m not ruling out a return to the airwaves, I’m just saying not quite yet. Allow me to judge others efforts for a while!

Like any writer worth their salt, I keep a list of fiction leads in my Notes app. It makes me laugh quite a lot - one entry simply reads HGTV SEX CULT - and it’s actually very beneficial when it comes to giving my characters personality quirks. My list of personal icks was in there until I realised it was becoming a category all of its own.

Didn’t know this! Via Dictionary.com

Here, I will share some with you. Some require explaining, others simply do not, and let me admit that I am sometimes guilty of my own icks, and things that perhaps should give me the ick, like Joe wearing Birkenstocks and white socks, do not. Our icks are all very personal and in my case, often visceral.

1. People saying “hens” instead of “hen” in relation to the party a woman has before she gets married. As in “I was at Sarah’s hens.” Irrational, yet deeply annoying.

2. Men asleep on airplanes. Can’t explain it, huge ick. Something to do with them looking prone and vulnerable.

3. Men who wear little shell necklaces.

4. Men in shit bands - grow up. (I’m sensing a theme)

5. Men getting badly sunburnt. I don’t know why, but it’s very unmanly to me?! And also stupid af.

6. Stand up comedy. I cannot ABIDE people obviously trying to be funny. I know I’m very much alone in this, but 95% of stand up is my nightmare.

7. Stemless wineglasses. The work of the devil.

8. Plastic beakers in people’s homes. They smell violent. Even the word “beaker” to describe a drinking vessel is violent.

9. People that keep soft drinks in the press. Why do you hate yourself? Also people who call soft drinks “minerals”. Also when you order a takeaway and they deliver a warm bottle of “minerals” instead of a cold can.

10. “The goo” - BARF!!!! Just say you’d love a pint!

11. People referring to other people as “humans” eg “what an amazing human” or “This is my favourite human.”

12. Engagement photo shoots. An unfortunate American-ism that has no place in Irish culture. NO PLACE AT ALL.

13. Fancy dress. I will admit that I mostly hate it because I’m personally terrible at it, but people wearing costumes gives me the ick, especially when someone is obviously desperate for praise about theirs. Or when someone tries and just doesn’t quite get there. I actually think a lot of my icks stem from being MORTIFIED for the other person.

14. Men taking their wives name as well. Look, we all have opinions on surnames after marriage. Mine is that both of you changing gives me the ick. I’m sorry.

15. Lollipops. Get your vile, spit-soaked, sticky thing far, far away from me. Lollipops when people are trying to be sexy is SO HORRIFIC TO ME. See also - people sucking on ice pops suggestively and/or loudly. I think I hate most things people suck on in public, also vapes.

16. Bad drivers, of which I am one. Let me preface this by saying I find good driving incredibly sexy, and I’m weak for Joe when he’s behind the wheel. But awkward drivers, people trying to park poorly, even people sitting funny in the drivers seat all give me the massive ick.

17. The word “nappy”. Nope.

18. Actually most things relating to babies, but that’s my own deep-rooted psychological issue I guess.

19. People who are afraid of really stupid things, like cotton wool. You’re not afraid, it just gives you the ick. Know thy icks!

Honestly, I feel better having got all of that out. Please share your icks with me so I feel like less of a wagon? I was once told I have a low frustration tolerance; feels true.

I’ve decided to give myself next week off from Substack for only the second time this year so I can fully enjoy our trip and not be worrying. But I will be back on October 24th! Where is this year going????