What I've learned about friendship

And what's eluded me until now

This week’s newsletter is a little late, because I was off galavanting with two of my closest friends yesterday. It was a long time coming, badly needed quality time and we spent the entire time laughing our heads off. It got me thinking about friendship, something I had historically considered myself to be bad at.

We all know female friendship is complicated, mostly because it’s as passionate (sometimes more so) than any romantic relationship. Growing up in the 90s as an only child, I was devoted to the concept of a “best” friend or a core group where you would die for one another and it’s no surprise - I lived off films like Beaches, Now and Then, Romy and Michelle, The First Wives Club, Clueless, The Craft (LOL). For me, friends would replace the sisters I didn’t have. Having a lot of friends would equal being popular, and thus happy. To me, it was a numbers game in many ways.

But if I’m honest, I’ve never felt totally comfortable in groups. For example, a sorority is my nightmare and hen parties often make me uncomfy. I’ve written about being an ambivert in the past, and that goes some way to explaining it, but the energy of a lot of gals thrown together can be a lot for me. Yet where some women thrive coralling others for weddings and baby showers, I far prefer being in a small, close group - but they’re not without their problems either. In-fighting, some members being closer than others, bitchiness, spats, different life trajectories… being a good friend is something that can be truly difficult, but is romanticised and glorified in our culture in a way that romantic love just isn’t.

At 37, I can count my close friends on my fingers (and that even includes my sister-in-law who is the best perk of marriage ever). Instead of making me feel insecure and unpopular, that fact actually makes me feel incredibly safe. I have many more acquaintances and pals, but a few core people to whom I rush to tell good or bad news, who understand me at a deep level and for whom I’d do absolutely anything.

You know when women say “oh my husband is my best friend” as all her bridesmaids grit their teeth in the background, the very women who paid hundreds for a hen and have spent a ton of emotional energy to support her? I’ve always found that so funny, because while my husband is the closest person on the entire planet to me and knows me better than anyone, he’s not just my friend. He’s something different, which is why we had that ceremony! He is my next of kin, he gets the house and all my stuff if I die. I get to sleep with him! So it’s kinda different, like.

It took me a very long time to realise that friendship should be fun. It should not be fraught or painful, awkward or triggering. Life has complications of course, but the essence of any true friendship should be that it’s easy. I learned that about love when I was 27; it’s taken me a decade longer to cop it about platonic relationships.

Another thing I’ve learned is that all of my friends don’t have to be friends with one another - in fact, it’s better if they’re not. Sure, they can come together for celebrations, commiserations and to support, but just because I’m close with Beavis doesn’t mean they have to be tight with Butthead. I have become better at compartmentalising, at moving away from a group mentality.

Groups don’t have to be scary, either. When I met my husband, he came with a ready made squad of lads who are all lovely, and who showed me that it’s not just geography or history that binds people, but common interests and FUN. Over time, almost all of those lads have paired off resulting in a group of WAGs. Having feared big groups of women, I was wary of being a member of such a team, but do you know what? I got over myself, and they are so fun, kind and supportive. Yes, we have to make plans six months in advance if we all want to hang out, but we have Orla to schedule that for us (shoutout, LOL). There are of course splinter duos and groups within the big group, and that’s lovely too. We don’t all have to be everything to one another, but we’re there when it counts.

I’ve also learned that friendship doesn’t have to be dramatic. Some of mine have been, and there have been fights I regret and moments I wish I could take back. I wish I’d been more honest in the past, instead of trying to keep up appearances and fit in.

And friendships change. They evolve and mutate like the cells in our bodies over time, as we head off on different paths and trajectories. That doesn’t mean they’re not still special or important, or that they haven’t meant something incredibly meaningful in your life. Even a close friendship for a season can have lasting gravitas.

They’re also work. Logistically, emotionally, financially, they take time and effort, coordination and cooperation. And that’s okay, it’s not a poor reflection on a friendship if it’s difficult to find space for it. Life is so complicated, from work to family to relationships, sometimes it’s okay if friends take a back seat for a while. But if they’re true friends, you’ll always make it work eventually.

I found my tribe later on in life, not in school or in college but through work. That has remained true for me, and it’s because people in my industry are similarly creative and liberal, have similar lifestyles, goals, interests and personalities. Some of my best friends I met in the most unassuming circumstances, as the colleagues of another friend or at a media event. But we have clicked and connected and maintained and supported because we WANT to. Because we get one another. That’s what’s important to me.

Friendship is special, it’s mystical and magical and critical to a life well lived. That doesn’t mean you have to be close to the people you know since birth, or have the same group of mates from secondary school. It means that you have someone, or if you’re lucky, several people that understand your very essence. That you don’t necessarily always agree with 100% but that you trust with your life.

My friends make me want to be a better person, to be kind and nurturing and loyal and warm. They all satisfy different parts of me. Getting through tough times with them is a testament to how much we’ve all grown and matured, because I always thought I could never recover from a big falling out. But I realise now that friendship isn’t all or nothing, that there’s nuance and balance to be found.

And I make or deepen new ones all the time. Just last week, a quick coffee turned in to three hours of chats that flew by. An interview appointment last week resulted in a natter that was good for the soul. A follow on Instagram can result in the yaps of life.

So, here’s to my friends. I love yiz, ye pack of pricks. xxx