This week, I had to take some videos of my gym to send to my beloved former personal trainer Jenni. We stopped working together when she moved to Utah in 2019 for love, and I have truly missed her ever since. Now, thanks to the wonders of technology she is in the position to train me from afar, but she has to know what she’s working with in terms of equipment. As such, I trotted off to the gym and tried to capture the environment without freaking the people using it out.
I felt like a little vlogger, so I did. It occured to me not for the first time that if I’d been born ten years later, I would likely have been FLAT OUT on the YouTube. Sadly, by the time that became A Thing, I was already gainfully employed (LOL) as a magazine journalist. I often wonder, in a Sliding Doors kind of way, what would have become of me if I hadn’t got that job at KISS Magazine. The road not taken is always fascinating!
However I am NOT a vlogger, so my videos were pitiful. It got me thinking about those Day In The Life videos people who are good at social media share. I was also tickled by Gregg Wallace’s viral My Saturday article in the Guardian, which has been making me CACKLE online. What would mine look like? Teasing that out really brought it home how different my life is these days, and in a way, how kind of reclusive I’ve become.
As I’ve written about here before, I am an ambivert. I enjoy other people and socialising and when I’m out, I’m fun and somewhat loud and boisterous. For the longest time, I took that to mean I was an extrovert. However I am always utterly exhausted after spending a lot of time with others, so I came to understand that I get the bulk my energy from rest and quiet. I don’t mean a spa day, I mean lying on my couch watching other people socialising on reality tv. If you want to think of a true extrovert, think of a performer on tour or a politician on a campaign trail. They are the people that are not made bone weary by other people, but who actually feed off their energy. They’re actually few and far between, let me tell you.
I personally enjoyed the lockdowns because I was luckily employed, and able to relax because we were all in the same boat. I was content being safe, following rules. That didn’t feel like a particularly solo time in my life because Joe was here too. I did miss my work buddies and the office environment, but had also been finding the 9-5 grind exhausting.
This life I live now is far more solitary, as many writers’ lives are. Solitary and sedentary, hence the need for a personal trainer. I guess the vast majority of weekdays in my life now look something like this…
Wake up. This can be any time from 7-9.30am. Girlfriend needs her rest. Dick around on phone for 15 minutes to one hour while drinking coffee. I catch up on everything online, do my puzzles on the NYT, contemplate life, am reminded of the inevitable march towards death by Facebook Memories.
Do emails. Normally me hassling someone for something, if I’m honest. I’m an Inbox Zero gal, most other people are… not.
Make breakfast. I’m on a real cooking kick at the moment, and oddly, actually wanting to nourish my body rather than mainline fried carbs 24/7. Unusual. May be something to do with contentment, and actually having time to think.
Strive to exercise. Don’t always get there - can blame weather, tiredness, waiting for a package etc. Jacko is a lazy shite; don’t believe people who tell you a dog will get you up and out. I’m mostly joking - the gym, a long walk with a friend or a short meander to the shops with the dog are common, but as I said, I don’t always get there.
Groom. Dither over washing hair and usually don’t. Shower, skin care. Sometimes I do this before exercise but then I have to shower twice and I’m not a huge fan of getting wet. I’m like a cat in that way.
Dress. Put on some sort of bra. Horrible, but necessary.
Work. When I am writing, I do so in a sort of trance. I like to sit down at the computer and hammer out whatever I’m working on, be it fiction, my column or a feature. I work like the clappers, emptying my brain on to the page for hours on end. Fingers often sore afterwards, makes me wonder if I have carpal tunnel or worse debilitating and degenerative disease.
Lunch. I hate lunch. I hate midday hunger, hate pausing to make the damn thing and eat it. Will often try to get away with what I call a school lunch, aka hastily cobbled together snacks. Sometimes when I take a notion I prep things like the above egg bites, or make soup.
More work. Trance typing. Sore fingers again.
Lying down. I like to watch TV in the late afternoon/early evening. I often treat myself to a movie but it’s RESEARCH. It’s LEARNING. I am now also allowed listen to podcasts and read books and call that work! The dream! But during this whole time I feel terribly guilty, like an abject failure who has no life. I can’t enjoy the privilege, unforch.
When Joe comes home from work, loner life ends. I’m usually wrecked and actually not pawing at him like an eager puppy, deprived of socialisation - surprising. We cook, eat, talk, watch whatever series we’re watching, go to bed, do a crossword, read, Zzzzzz.
Of course, some days are different. I might put on makeup and jeans and go to town for appointments and meetings. I might have a Zoom interview I have to be presentable for, or meet a friend or associate for coffee. The ODD week I’ll get properly glam for an event, but that’s highly unusual of late. I’m told that once the book comes out, life will get a lot busier so to enjoy this down time while I can.
It’s a far cry from the era where I’d work all day in the office and then hit an event or two. It’s even a far cry from the recent days I’d spend in bed paralysed by pain from my womb issues (those who have been asking, I’m still feeling blessedly well! It’s a miracle!). It’s a life of open space and time, because of my own choices. It would be FRIGHTFULLY boring for some, but for me it’s peaceful. My mind is calm.
I used to scoff at gorgeous celebrities and say things like “It’s her JOB to have a body like that! She doesn’t have to WORK like we do.” I hadn’t a clue, god bless me. However I do now feel duty bound to use the time I have to improve my physical fitness, because it’s good for all aspects of life. It helps with anxiety and writer’s block, actually tires me out so I sleep better. I shall persevere!
[Someone else asked me recently if I’m still not shopping for clothes as I mentioned in a past letter. I have bought some pieces over the last six months, mostly in NYC, but I did three months cold turkey and then only bought stuff after major consideration. I can confidently say I have broken my fast fashion compulsion - I didn’t buy a THING in Penneys in the lead up to Christmas! Not even a festive headband! And my ASOS and River Island online hauls are a thing of the past.]
I’m not perfect, but I am trying and that is the battle. I am Kenough.
"Horrible, but necessary" made me laugh so much
What on earth is that Greg Wallace piece. Omg gas!! I loved lockdown cause we were all in the same boat too. I had no fomo from people being on hols or nights out. I enjoy the same things as you, chilling either Neil. Totally content. Another great read :)