Flexing the old KISS Mag muscle

I'm worried about the younger women!

Lately, I’ve been noticing something going on with the smart, funny, clever younger women I follow on social media. They all seem to be down on themselves, worried about everything, and fretting about getting older and what it means to be successful. Of course, the world is a dank cesspit that’s scarier than it’s ever been in my lifetime, and that gets under your skin no matter how much you try and avoid it. In many cases, the system is actively working against young Irish people. But this is something more personal and equally insidious, a pervasive voice that’s telling 20-something females that they’re not good enough, that nobody will ever truly love them and that they’re failures. I find myself wanting to be a hype girl for these women in their twenties, wanting to tell them that life does get better and also worse, and that it is short and also very long.

And then I realise that I am perhaps missing my role as a sort of big sister figure, something I have inadvertently been since I took my first magazine job at the tender age of 22. Then, I was one of the voices of “your big sis’ KISS,” a title aimed at teenage girls that was hugely popular in the early Noughties. I then graduated to STELLAR, a magazine invented to catch the KISS audience as they became too grown up for teeny bopper things. And there I stayed, on and off, until the beginning of this year, doling out recently gleaned wisdom and advice, and telling Irish women that what they’re experiencing is normal, and that they are going to be okay.

That’s not to say I actually realised I was doing it at the time. I mean, I knew telling adolescents that periods weren’t embarrassing (but boys often were) was a public service of sorts. I wrote about pubic hair a lot, and about how to put concealer on spots correctly. All that qualified me for this was lived experience, and in the form of a magazine article it didn’t come across as condescending or patronising. On the contrary, it was much-sought and very welcomed information. And not being a big sister myself in reality, it was a really nice role - one that led me to some older, wiser role models of my own.

Now when I find myself tweeting brilliant 20-somethings that everything will be FINE, I feel like a nosy neighbour or that irritating aunt that doles out unsolicited advice. Thus, I realise that my articles for KISS and STELLAR really did have their place, and were important in their own special way. Of course, these younger women can still access the wonderful latter publication for themselves, but because of the state of distribution of magazines, it’s far more difficult to get your hands on than it used to be (through no fault of the amazing staff - it’s so frustrating when shops and supermarkets simply got rid of mags off the shelves to make room for more junk food and greeting cards).

But luckily I still have this outlet, my own, where I can write about whatever I want. And this week, I feel like putting on my best hype girl voice and big sister-ing all over the place.

Firstly, I want to say that going through life thinking that the system is against you is the ONLY sure fire way to ensure that the system remains against you. YES, it is incredibly difficult to become a self-sufficient adult in this country. NO, it is not impossible. YES, you may have to swallow your pride and take steps backwards to eventually make progress. But believing in yourself is the only way to move forward in life. Sitting back and thinking “ah sure we’re all screwed, what’s the point” is the only road to not achieving what you want in life.

Secondly, your dreams are personal to you. People’s struggles, level of luck and own aspirations have nothing to do with you. It’s tempting to write others’ success off as being down to something else, like birth order or nepotism or social standing. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you are doing, and not doing.

Failure is subjective. It helps to think back to your younger self, and imagine how absolutely thrilled they would be to know how you’re doing now. If you truly think they’d be disappointed and even scarlet for you, then what can you do to change that?

Friends can be tricky. Most people don’t owe you anything, which is a difficult pill to swallow. I’ve learned that people who want to spend time with you, will. That goes for romance too. People who want to make an effort for you, will - and vice versa.

Marriage shouldn’t be a goal. People only learn that when they get married, which is why so many find themselves disappointed. They’re the ones that slag off their partner, or say marriage is hard work. Life is hard, marriage shouldn’t be.

Saying that, I believe you do have to be really lucky to meet the right person for you at the right time. And you’ll absolutely know when you do. If you have any doubts about the person you’re with, they’re unlikely to go away I’m afraid.

I’m also a huge believer in not settling. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that I didn’t settle for less than I deserved in love, friendship and career. The struggle is real, but it can be so worth it.

Knowing yourself and what you want, and more crucially, what you don’t want, is so important. You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing, and you definitely don’t have to do it the same way. I have always (eventually) listened to my gut feeling and it has never let me down. To thine own self be true!

I guess what I’m trying to say, and what every feature in KISS ever truly boiled down to is this - confidence in yourself is key at every age. My biggest wobbles in life were when my self-esteem was in the toilet. You MUST be confident, even when everything is going wrong. You must know your worth, and believe in yourself.

You deserve everything you want, and of course there will be things that happen outside of your control - you only have to look at the atrocities being perpetrated on innocents around the world to see that. But if you’re lucky enough to live a somewhat normal life, in ordinary circumstances, then the only obstacle is your own lack of self-belief. You will get there, or there will change and evolve to suit you along the way. The only truly bitter older people I know are the ones that never tried.

I’ve finally finished Barbra Streisand’s epic yet brilliant autobiography, and it’s a fantastic read for anyone wondering what’s next, and how to navigate life (but be warned, it’s over 1000 pages lol). I found myself relating to her so much - yes, me, without her billions or her talent. Because she is just a person who had a dream, and was relentless in her pursuit of it. She had odds stacked against her in that she was working class, a woman, had no connections and wasn’t conventionally beautiful. But damn, she had chutzpah! And that to me is the motivating, mitigating factor in her success.

God, it feels good to flex that muscle! Granted, it’s easier to preach from behind the masthead of a magazine, when everything you say isn’t directly related back to your own life in stark contrast. And there are always exceptions, always things people can’t help or those who seem to have eternally bad luck. But if you’ve ever wondered how people pull themselves up by the bootstraps in the toughest scenarios, how those who’ve lost everything keep going - it’s because they believe in and hope for better. And really, that’s all we have.