Can't we all just get along?

Why my motto is "live and let live"

I have had a lot of *thoughts* this week, so where better to share them than with you lovely people? It’s been a nutty news cycle for ages, there’s no such thing as a silly season anymore, but I haven’t felt a surge of hope and positivity in AGES like I did when Kamala announced her candidacy for POTUS.

I’m not American of course, but what happens over there affects all of us (and I’ve always had a huge, if diminishing, affection for the place). I remember vividly waking up at 6am the morning Tr*mp was elected (having gone to sleep around 1am with Hillary jutting ahead) and feeling absolutely devastated. It felt like yet another indication that society was going backwards, bowing to fearmongering and dazzled by faux-patriotism and patriarchy. How that man can even run again now that he’s a convicted felon, proud misogynist and also just BEYOND STUPID is beyond me but hey-ho. I wasn’t a fan of Biden either, but Kamala? She’s not perfect, nobody is, and of course it’s all politics. But her running feels like a wave of promise and a movement we can all get behind. I want her to win in November so badly I can taste it. Like the YES votes here to repeal the 8th and allow marriage equality, Kamala feels like progress.

However, with her announcement came the inevitable slew of hatred towards a liberal brown woman daring to seek the highest office in the land. And the best the opposition can come up with to slander her so far is that she’s childless. Never mind that she’s been a stepmother for 16 years. Because she hasn’t procreated herself, she is deemed pathetic, and her followers sad, childless cat ladies living a life of feminist misery.

As a child-free by choice woman, the comments from the right rankle a little - and that’s as a woman who’s personally extremely happy with my own life choices. You can only listen to millions of people saying your existence has no meaning without kids so many times before it starts to get under your skin a little. And then that made me worry and feel upset for the other women who aren’t as sure or as happy with their decision as I am, and for those for whom it wasn’t a choice at all. And then I started worrying about everyone that’s marginalised and well, that’s when I start losing sleep and fretting about Gilead becoming a reality.

All of this discourse went hand in hand with two other online furores. The first was the Olympic opening ceremony in Paris which many Christian conservatives (particularly in the US) found “evil” and “Satanic”. The fact that they were riled up about the French mocking the Last Supper when they were actually recreating the Feast of Dionysus made it a little funny. Being horrified by drag queens is kind of par for the course for some - that does NOT make it okay, but it’s also got to the point in culture where they’re just never going to get it. Or at least not yet, anyway.

The other recent furore was the Ballerina Farm debacle, something a little more insidious. If you haven’t been following it, good for you. But essentially, a UK Times journalist went to visit a popular influencer on the farm she lives on in Utah and wrote a pretty scathing account of her experience.

As a journalist, I know that objectivity is near impossible in this day and age outside of hard news and reporting facts. We are all biased, we all have a personal agenda and the world’s media does too, in a way it never used to. Corporate owners and advertisers must be kept happy in a way that would have been unheard of even a decade ago. Thus, lifestyle journalism has been veering in to opinion writing for ages now, it’s what gets the clicks and pays the bills and keeps traditional media going in the Social Media Age. This particular writer, Megan Agnew, was clearly fascinated by how this woman, Hannah Neeleman, lives her life on a farm in rural Utah raising eight children with her conservative husband and earning hundreds of thousands documenting it all online.

She also immediately got icky vibes, that much is clear. The husband creeped her out, she didn’t appreciate his attitude towards his subservient wife and didn’t understand many of Neeleman’s choices, like quitting school at the prestigious Juliard where she was a promising ballerina in order to have kids.

What followed was a lot of CHAT. The internet was ablaze with opinions, as it always is. This wasn’t like the Guardian feature on pronatalists, who seemed to revel in riling people up with their staunchly held views on what we should ALL be doing. In Neeleman’s case, she was just talking about herself and how others relate to her life. A lot of people were actually worried that she was in trouble, or being treated badly, because she seemed to lament the life she left behind, and claimed she often spent a week in bed due to exhaustion. Most people online didn’t love the (horrible) way her husband essentially trapped her in to a first date on a plane (his dad owns the airline) and then insisted she drop out of college and marry him within months. But Neeleman claimed throughout to be happy with her lot, with a life focused on God and marriage and children and her farm. And I thought, who are we to say otherwise in the name of outrage? She’s not running for office or even asking other people to join her.

I read it and thought okay, sounds crap tbh. I also thought, sure, she might be being subjugated and that is Imperically Bad. But then I read about her upbringing as a Mormon, and it all made sense. She has a very particular set of beliefs and desires, even if you don’t like them. Sure, her husband bought her an egg apron instead of a trip to Greece for her birthday, but she chose to record that interaction and put it out there. It was seen by some as a cry for help, as others by a sort of normal ‘oh men, they’re clueless’ thing, and others seemed to take it really personally.

Then Neeleman released a video criticising the article, saying how she felt attacked by it, and defending her life choices. And while I’m not 1000% sure I believe that she’s totally happy living in an Eden of her making with a perfect family, I also think it’s none of my business. And that’s something I keep coming back to again and again.

I don’t LOVE seeing a “trad wife” movement gaining popularity online personally, but again, I don’t think it’s necessarily sending feminism backwards. Essentially, feminism means we can be what we want to be, right? Despite millions of followers, living the way Neeleman and others choose to is still extremely niche and mostly in areas like Utah that have always been incredibly traditional. It also doesn’t mean the women following in their masses are ascribing to these belief systems themselves - they might just be fascinated by watching Nara Smith making mad shit from scratch aesthetically. I find it oddly soothing when I stumble across one of her videos, but it doesn’t mean I want to start popping out countless kids and catering to my man 24/7.

The internet is the home of hyperbole and extremes, and yet again I find myself exhausted by all of it. People share their lives online, but do we have to shout and scream over it, either in support or antagonism? Can we not just let people live, as long as they’re not hurting anyone? Their lives might not be what you, or even they, imagined, but roaring that they’re setting an awful example for just being alive is tiresome and reactive.

Like to some, I’m sure I am THE WORST. Happily married and choosing not to procreate? A devil woman! Writing a book on a happily childless woman? Spreading my demonic message! You can buy it here hehehehee

The left thinks creeping traditionalism and conservatism is damaging to women in society, and it well may be. The right thinks dismantling previously held societal norms is the end of the world, and while it definitely isn’t, their fears are real. What it all means is that we’re just so staunchly divided, it’s dizzying. Everything is black and white, there are no shades of grey and you’re either with us or you’re against us. THAT is what I find most scary. This isn’t a good v evil narrative, it’s the real world.

We’re all so different, and that is our beauty. Live and let live isn’t a great rallying cry - decisive and divisive lines in the sand are far more effective for mobilisation - but even at a micro level, can we just take people as they are? Sure, you might worry they’re hurting themselves, but unless you know them, you are just projecting. And really, we all have more to be thinking about than how other people go on.

You’re not going to “save” Neeleman from her husband by shouting that she’s wrong, the same way you’re not going to “save” me from childlessness by telling me that I’ll never know true love until I bear a son or daughter. I don’t agree with that sentiment - I can say that until I’m blue in the face, but there are always people that will disagree with me. I can’t spend my life defending my choices.

The simple fact is, nobody knows what goes on in other people’s homes, lives, brains or relationships. All we know is whatever version of our existence we put out there for others to consume.

Politics is a different arena. Who we choose to lead us speaks volumes as to who we collectively want to be. I know I’d rather have a woman who hasn’t given birth than any one of the awful things the other fella represents - to me, that’s a no-brainer. To others, it’s not. They can’t fathom someone running things who to them, has no personal stake in the future. It’s mad, it’s sad and it’s bizarre how closed-minded people can be, and not just those on the conservative side.

I just hope the people always choose progress over fear. I choose to live and let live, largely mind my own beeswax and seek out things that make me feel both peaceful and galvanised.

My novel REALITY CHECK is the best-selling debut of the year (Woohoo!) and has been described by many as THE read of the summer. You can purchase it here, and it’s also available on Kindle and Audible. This support helps to keep my Substack free to read. Thank you xxx